Blog Post #2 "retrospective"
In the end of 2020 i found out about a spinal tumor i had, it was a mass of bloodvessels that was restricting bloodflow to the lower portion of my spine, effecting my ability to walk. This was probably the first time in my life where i felt that i was mortal, like my life had a limit, if that makes sense. Thankfully its mostly in the past as i had about 70% of the tumor removed in 2021, but the fallout of this still has a heavy affect on me to this day. I have diagnosed PTSD, near constant back pain, and i have panic attacks whenever i even think about approaching a doctors office. I always play it off as a joke but i really dont sleep because of this, sometimes i lie and i say i do when my friends seem worried but i really just cant some nights, no matter how many sedatives i put into my body. I lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and just exist. Im a pretty private person, and if your reading this, youre probably one of my friends and you might've just said, "bullshit", but its true. I find it calming to keep to myself most days, this has ruined many-a-friendships but i really do prefer to be alone. Over the past 2 or 3 ish years ive slowly began to open myself up to others, but it really is just a small portion of what i feel or think. This opening up lead to me coming out as trans a few years ago, March of 2023 i believe, although i didnt start medically or socially transitioning until Jan of 2025. (almost one year ago!) And if i can be entirely honest, i wish i didnt reveal it. Friendships did change and i find myself struggling to suddenly live up to the expectations others seem to place on me, especially since i dont really consider myself a woman despite being on estrogen now, im still expected to do so much, and while i know they dont mean it, my friends unknowingly enforce some of those expectations. And then theres the younger me, from between 2014 to 2020, who i know would despise who he became. I think about him alot, and sometimes i feel him slip back through a bit, making me doubt my own identity, making me think that just stopping would be better, or that what ive done to myself is a mistake, and some days i believe it, thankfully those days are few and far between, but that past me has had a hold on my psyche for a while now and it scares the shit out of me. Whats the point of all this? Im not sure really, this all seems kind of disconnected from each other. The past is the past and sometimes just typing out those memories or experiences feels nice, but now that im reading it back this is just a trauma dump lol. I dont plan on being this personal in future posts, others will be much lighter i swear. Thanks for reading. - Astrid