Journal #1 "what is this loneliness im feeling?"
Ive recently discovered the term "avoidant". I was curious what it really was and looked into it and wow, it described me. It really wasnt a great realization to come to, but it was one i needed to discover for myself. My last attempt at a relationship was ruined by me being (an) avoidant, as we grew closer, i pulled back. I hurt the person i was talking too, and what sucks is a genuinely really liked this person, but like a fucking moron i couldnt recognize what i was doing to them and ruined it. I strung them along for months unable to commmit to anything, and in the moment i didnt even recognize that i was doing that. And when it finally "ended" i lashed out like a fucking idiot. I did the only thing im good at when confronted by my own emotions or actions, i lash out, i attack, i block, i ignore, unable to see myself in the wrong ever. Looking back i wish i couldve changed every thing i did, but i cant, and i have to live with that. My only issue is i dont know how to change this about me. How do i even begin to fix a fear of intimacy or closeness? Im not sure, but like alot of things in my life itll just be a work in progress for the foreseeable future. Thanks for reading. - Astrid